I’m sure my interest in being Jewish seems like a recent development to many people I know, but it’s something I have grappled with my entire life. I grew up in a small town in Wyoming - no synagogue, no rabbi, no Jewish friends. As a child I often hid my Jewish identity due to the fear and shame of being different. One year in grade school, my mom came to talk to my class about Hanukkah. I hate to admit this, but I was mortified. I was not a “cool” kid, and I knew being Jewish wouldn’t win me any popularity points.
When I was 12, a woman in our Jewish community started teaching Hebrew lessons. I attended a few of them and enjoyed it, but was so embarrassed when trying to explain it to my friends. I didn’t think my mom would let me just quit, so I went to her with an excuse along the lines of:
“I don’t think I believe in G-d so I must not be Jewish anymore and therefore don’t need to study Hebrew.”
And my mother replied:
“You don’t have to believe in G-d, but you’re still Jewish.”
I don’t know why I chose that excuse, because G-d was never a conversation in our household. My dad is not Jewish and not religious, and my Jewish upbringing by my mom was very casual and secular. But I suppose that was the first time it really occurred to me that being Jewish was not just a religion.
When I was 16, I got really into punk rock. One of my favorite songs was called “Fuck Religion” by the band Propagandhi (upon revisiting the lyrics today I find the song to be absolutely vile). I started to develop a political identity and the idea of believing in G-d always felt antithetical to my liberal ideology. I still knew I was Jewish, and I distinctly felt Jewish, but I was certainly not “religious.”
When I was 21, I met a two different people in two completely different settings, who for all intents and purposes seemed “just like me.” They were a little punk, a little hippie - you could even call them “proto-hipsters.” They drank and smoked cigarettes and were into art and liberal politics - and were Christian. And not just in name, they really loved and believed in Jesus. I was fascinated by this, and honestly a little jealous. It seemed nice to have something like that to believe in. I became really interested in the idea of G-d, but wasn’t sure how to actually feel it.
When I was 24, I went to India for four months. My quest to find G-d turned into a bit of an obsession. I felt like I was seeing G-d everywhere but still not feeling it. Then I went to yoga school (which was actually a lowkey cult, but that’s a story for another time) in Thailand for two months. The teachings there were an amalgamation of different religious thoughts, largely but not exclusively Hindu and Buddhist, paired with trendy self-help jargon. And I ate it up.
I returned to the US and became the cliché Westerner Who Just Spent 6 Months in Asia. I would wake up before dawn and meditate and practice yoga for 1-2 hours a day. Before bed every night I would read the Bhagavad Gita, Tao Te Ching, and Rumi. I thought I had finally found G-d!
But after a year or so I started becoming aware of a thing called cultural appropriation, and my relationship with my newfound spirituality began to dwindle. I continued to practice yoga but was no longer as interested in finding G-d. Maybe G-d just wasn’t for me!
Ten years ago I moved to Tennessee, and no longer had my mom to tether me to the Jewish world. I looked up the local synagogues online, but I felt too weird about attending anything. I was worried I wouldn’t be Jewish enough, since I really knew nothing about Judaism outside of the major holidays. So I started buying some books, following Jewish folks on social media, and listening to Jewish podcasts.
By the time my daughter was born 3.5 years ago, I was deeply in love with my Jewish culture and religion. Having her finally gave me the courage to join a synagogue. I realized if I didn’t instill in her a proud Jewish identity, no one else would. It was my responsibility to not let our heritage end with her - my ancestors didn’t keep theirs alive so that I could drop the ball.
Which brings me to today. I still feel a bit agnostic about G-d. I want to believe in G-d, I’m just still not sure if I’ve ever felt it. I suppose this is what Christians mean by faith - you believe despite any misgivings. But I am not Christian, I am Jewish. And in Judaism we deeply value questioning and debate - it’s what the Talmud is all about! So in the end, I can think of nothing that makes me more Jewish than my questioning G-d. I may not fully believe yet, but I don’t not believe.
Photo: me and my mom circa 1985
Comments